Make Sure There Are Witnesses Brave Funny

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Witness: Striker was the squadron leader. He brought us in real low. But he couldn't handle it.

Prosecutor: Buddy couldn't handle it? Was Buddy one of your crew?

Witness: Right. Buddy was the bombardier. But it was Striker who couldn't handle it, and he went to pieces.

Prosecutor: *Andy* went to pieces?

Witness: No. Andy was the navigator. He was all right. Buddy went to pieces. It was awful how he came unglued.

Prosecutor: *Howie* came unglued?

Witness: Oh, no. Howie was a rock, the best tailgunner in the outfit. Buddy came unglued.

Prosecutor: And he bailed out?

Witness: No. Andy hung tough. Buddy bailed out. How he survived, it was a miracle.

Prosecutor: Then Howie survived?

Witness: No, 'fraid not. We lost Howie the next day.

Prosecutor: Dr. Stone, would you give the court your impression of Mr. Striker?

Dr. Stone: I'm sorry, I don't do impressions... my training is in psychiatry.

Simon: Gentlemen, I'd like you to meet your captain, Captain Oveur.

Capt. Oveur: Gentlemen, welcome aboard.

Simon: Captain, your navigator, Mr. Unger, and your first officer, Mr. Dunn.

Capt. Oveur: Unger.

Unger: Oveur.

Dunn: Oveur.

Capt. Oveur: Dunn. Gentlemen, let's get to work.

Simon: Unger, didn't you serve under Oveur in the Air Force?

Unger: Not directly. Technically, Dunn was under Oveur and I was under Dunn.

Dunn: Yep.

Simon: So, Dunn, you were under Oveur and over Unger.

Unger: Yep.

Capt. Oveur: That's right. Dunn was over Unger and I was over Dunn.

Unger: So, you see, both Dunn and I were under Oveur, even though I was under Dunn.

Capt. Oveur: Dunn was over Unger, and I was over Dunn.

Steve McCroskey: Jacobs, I want to know absolutely everything that's happened up till now.

Jacobs: Well, let's see. First the earth cooled. And then the dinosaurs came, but they got too big and fat, so they all died and they turned into oil. And then the Arabs came and they bought Mercedes Benzes. And Prince Charles started wearing all of Lady Di's clothes. I couldn't believe it. He took her best summer dress, put it on and went to town.

Jimmy: Dad never slaps me around at home, must be his coffee.

Jimmy's Mom: No, I've been serving him decaf. Maybe he's just an asshole.

Clerk: Do you swear on the Constitution of the United States to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?

Witness: Ain't no thing.

[he slaps the clerk's book and the clerk uses his book to slap the witnesses hand as if "giving fives" to each other]

Defense Attorney: [approaches the witness as he sits down in the witness stand] Would you describe, in your own words, what happened that night?

Witness: Check it, bleed. Bro... was ON! Didn't trip. But the folks was freakin', Man. Hey, and the pilots were laid to the bone, Homes.

[the stenographer wears sunglasses and sways back and forth as he types]

Witness: So Blood hammered out and jammed jet ship. Tightened that bad sucker inside the runway like a mother. Shit.

Steve McCroskey: Jacobs, what have you got on Elaine Dickinson?

Jacobs: Well, I'm two inches taller, a better dancer, and much more fun to be with.

Prosecutor: Over Macho Grande?

Witness: No. I don't think I'll ever get over Macho Grande.

Buck Murdock: Oh, cut the bleeding heart crap, will ya? We've all got our switches, lights, and knobs to deal with, Striker. I mean, down here there are literally hundreds and thousands of blinking, beeping, and flashing lights, blinking and beeping and flashing - they're *flashing* and they're *beeping*. I can't stand it anymore! They're *blinking* and *beeping* and *flashing*! Why doesn't somebody pull the plug!

Striker: [in the cockpit] I guess it's in God's hands now.

Father O'Flanagan: [in cabin area] I'm Father O'Flanagan, and I am a man of God. Therefore you must trust me when I tell you that we're all likely going to die.

Mary, Shuttle Stewardess: [Mary is walking down the aisle among passengers] When we're ready we would like to ask you to remove your eyeglasses and shoes and place your head between the knees.

[She glances towards an attractive lady]

Mary, Shuttle Stewardess: Between your own knees, Father.

[Father O'Flannagan pulls his head up from the attractive lady's lap]

[last lines]

The Bomber: I don't know if this is a good time to ask, but would it be possible for me to get my briefcase back?

Steve McCroskey: Striker? Striker, Striker,

[turns away from his control screen]

Steve McCroskey: *Strike Her*!

[a man behind McCroskey punches a woman]

[the Wilson family arrives at the checkpoint]

Porter: Can I help you folks?

Alice Wilson,John Wilson: Oh, yes, thank you.

Porter: Aw, is that your dog, son?

[looking at Scraps, Jimmy's dog]

Jimmy Wilson: Yes, his name is Scraps, and he's going to the moon with us.

Porter: Oh no. No dogs are allowed in the shuttle son. I'm afraid Scraps will have to be shot.

[pulls out a gun, shoots the dog and the dog falls to the floor]

Jimmy Wilson: [shouts, bending towards his dog] Scraps! He shot him! He shot Scraps! He shot him!

Porter: Just joking. Blanks, see? Scraps is fine.

[Dog stands up]

Porter,Alice Wilson,John Wilson: [laughing]

Striker: Where am I going to get a piece of metal?... Out here in space?... At this hour?

Dunn: Uh, Captain, I'm picking up an overheat in the computer core.

Capt. Oveur: How serious is it, Mr. Dunn?

Dunn: Uh, I can't tell sir.

Capt. Oveur: Well you can tell me - I'm the Captain.

Elaine Dickinson: [speaking into handset] Hello, this is the Mayflower. Come in. Anyone?

Steve McCroskey: Okay okay. Now we're making some headway.

[responds into handset]

Steve McCroskey: Yeah yeah, we read you Mayflower. Identify yourself.

Elaine Dickinson: Well, this is Elaine Dickinson. I'm 5-foot-8, 123 pounds. I have, uh, brown hair, blue eyes. I enjoy surfing, backgammon and men who aren't afraid to cry.

Jimmy Wilson: Can I ask you a question?

Striker: What is it?

Jimmy Wilson: It's an interrogative statement, used to test knowledge. But that's not important right now...

Elaine Dickinson: Ted, I have the strangest feeling we've been through this exact same thing before.

Mr. Hammen: And how about the time we hopped in the family car and drove all the way to Woodstock?

Mrs. Hammen: Oh, that was a time. You got hold of that bad acid and didn't come down for two weeks, you kept telling everyone that you were Jesus Christ and then you jumped off a roof 'cause you thought you could fly!

Mr. Hammen: What a bummer.

Mrs. Hammen: No shit.

ROC: Voice interface.

Elaine Dickinson: There's an overheat in the core. Please analyze problem.

ROC: There is no apparent overheat.

Elaine Dickinson: Yes, there is, ROC. We read a core overheat. Repeat analysis.

ROC: Analysis confirmed. All systems compute positive.

Elaine Dickinson: Well, not from where I'm sitting they don't!

ROC: Look, Elaine. Cut the "not from where I'm sitting" shit. It must be a human error.

[Elaine turns to the captain]

Elaine Dickinson: Captain, I think we have a computer foul-up!

Capt. Oveur: I see.

Elaine Dickinson: Well, what do you recommend, Captain?

Capt. Oveur: Maybe you'd better run it through the computer.

Elaine Dickinson: But sir, I already have!

Capt. Oveur: Good!

Steve McCroskey: [speaking to the entire control room] Now listen to me and listen good. If you got any ideas, any ideas at all, now is the time. I want to hear them and I want to hear them now!

Jacobs: How about a game show like Hollywood Squares but with kids? Gary Coleman could host.

Simon: My God! The sun!

Elaine Dickinson: What is it, Simon?

Simon: A large, fiery ball at the center of our solar system, but that's not important now. We're headed right for it.

Steve McCroskey: [after hearing Striker on the radio] A man - now that's more like it.

[to the radio]

Steve McCroskey: Come in Mayflower 1, give me your name and position.

Striker: My name's Striker and I'm sitting down and facing front. Why would you want to know that?

Steve McCroskey: And I can sum it all up in just one word: courage, dedication, daring, pride, pluck, spirit, grit, mettle, and G-U-T-S, *guts*. Why, Ted Striker's got more guts in his little finger than most of us have in our large intestine, including the colon!

Jimmy: Can I ask you a question?

Striker: What is it?

Jimmy: It's an interrogative statement, used to test knowledge. But that's not important now, mister. Is my dog Scraps, is gonna make it through okay? I'm scared mister, somebody has to do something.

Striker: Scraps, is going to be fine son. You'll both, be just fine.

[Striker, puts Jimmy's face in the icing of the cake]

Simon: Striker, listen to me. I don't want you to do this. They forced me to cut corners...

Striker: Get outta my way!

Simon: Help me, Striker for Christ -

[Striker, slugs Simon in the face]

Steve McCroskey: Would somebody please tell me what in Sam Hill a woman is doing up there in charge of that ship?

Jacobs: Well maybe she's got her ship together.

Steve McCroskey: Listen good. That thing is bound to come apart on you at that speed, and that's no good! It's got to be in one piece when you land on the moon! You know damn well that that warp drive has never been tested!

[stabs his cigarette into the left hand of the controller sitting next to him]

Steve McCroskey: You're putting yourself and everybody else on that ship in jeopardy!

[cuts to the cabin of the shuttle, where Art Fleming is suddenly doing a match of Jeopardy! with the passengers as the contestants]

Jeopardy Host: All right, Contestant #38.

Male Passenger: Art, I'll take Air Shuttle Disasters for $40.

Jeopardy Host: The answer is...

[the display with $40 on it rotates to reveal the answer]

Jeopardy Host: ... the Mayflower!

Businessman: So the company's actually doing very well. We're just raising the figures of the last quarter, they show a 40% increase over the past year.

Dr. Stone: [looking at the patient's chart] Visiting hours are over.

Man in White: Doctor, do you think my brother will be able to come home to the farm soon?

Dr. Stone: It's hard to say, it's a difficult case. He still thinks he's an accountant.

Man in White: Okay.

[Nurses, meanwhile, are trying to restrain the patient who thinks he's an accountant]

Businessman: You must believe me! Invest in money markets!

Striker: Elaine, we're going to have to blow the computer!

Elaine Dickinson: Blow ROC?

[a smiling face appears on the computer]

Striker: Which passenger is Joe Solucci?

Mary, Shuttle Stewardess: 16C. Why?

Striker: He's carrying a bomb.

Mary, Shuttle Stewardess: A bo - ?

Striker: No, not a bo-. A bomb. Now, discreetly as possible, I want you to move the passengers, into the lounge.

Mary, Shuttle Stewardess: We don't have a lounge.

Striker: That's not important right now but, you got to do is get those people away from that bomb.

Mary, Shuttle Stewardess: Well, what should I say?

Striker: Anything. Just don't let Solucci think that we're onto him.

Mary, Shuttle Stewardess: I'll do my best.

Mary, Shuttle Stewardess: [Over Intercom] Attention ladies and gentlemen, please. Would everybody move to the lounge who is not carrying a bomb.

[Everyone on the plane stands up and screams]

Father O'Flanagan: I'm Father O'Flanagan, and I am a man of God. Therefore you must trust me when I tell you that we're all likely going to die.

[All of the passengers start panicking and start punching each other. A hockey referee is seen trying to separate the attacking members of his hockey team, and other passengers are repeatedly slugging the same people over and over]

Father O'Flanagan: [a montage of newspaper headlines shows up. First is the headline from the Daily Star: "Lunar Shuttle Heads For Disaster." Followed by the headline for The Jerausalem News: "They Shouldn't Have Gone In The First Place," and then lastly, the headline for The International Inquirer: "Man Has Sex Change - Marries Self."]

Buffalo Anchorman: Our Top Story Tonight: Four-Alarm Fire Rages Through Downtown Buffalo. Also in the News: Lunar Shuttle heads for the Sun, and Certain Disaster.

Tokyo Anchorman: Our Top Story Tonight: Four-Alarm Fire Rages Through Downtown Tokyo. Also in the News: American Lunar Mission Locked in Death Struggle.

[on the monitor behind him is a clip of Godzilla eating a Lunar Shuttle]

Moscow Anchorman: [with a gun being held to his head] A four-alarm fire in Downtown Moscow clears way for a glorious new tractor factory, And, on the lighter side of the news, Hundreds of Capitalists are Soon to Perish in Shuttle Disaster.

[as we cut to the next clip, the sound of a gunshot is heard]

Tad Woman: [on a talk show] If this canned beet was run by vegetarian women rather than flesh-eating men, this whole space disaster would never have happened. You know right now, we're working to raise the consciousness of the vegetarian minorities with diet sensitivity training, so that people will be able to deal with the foul...

Murdock: Stryker, you get that ship down... and down safe...

[a giant money safe falls behind Murdock]

Murdock: ... there just might be a few of us who will forget Macho Grande.

Male Passenger: [TV Version] There's nothing to worry about.

Testa, Shuttle Stewardess: Could you hand me your cup, please? Thank you. Be careful, it's very hot, okay.

Male Passenger: Thank you, and stewardess, would you please tell my wife, that these flights are completely safe? I hope she hears it from you.

Testa, Shuttle Stewardess: There's nothing to worry about.

[Unger's hand sticking out of the door]

Testa, Shuttle Stewardess: [Screams and drops the last pitcher of coffee on the female passenger]

Female Passenger: [Screams, after Testa dropped the coffee on her]

Capt. Oveur: Anti-gravity check.

Dunn: All right.

[presses a button, which causes the crewman in the spacesuit who is listening and moving to the beat of "Car Wash" on his headphones to float in the air]

Dunn: Checks out in positive mode, sir.

Capt. Oveur: Check.

[the spacesuit man is still floating upside down]

Dunn: Checks out in negative mode, sir.

Capt. Oveur: Check.

Dunn: Neutral balance seems all right, sir.

Capt. Oveur: Good, that shall do it.

Dunn: Anti-gravity off, sir.

[Turns off the anti-gravity, causing the spacesuit crewman to fall to the floor]

Capt. Oveur: Hope this weather doesn't give us a problem.

[He sticks his hand out the window to feel the temperature]

Capt. Oveur: Mr. Dunn, what's your temperature reading?

Dunn: [takes thermometer out of his mouth and reads the mercury level] Uh, 98.6 sir.

Capt. Oveur: That sounds normal.

Capt. Oveur: Well, my goodness, Scraps is a boy dog, isn't he?

Jimmy: Yeah.

Capt. Oveur: Jimmy, do you like it when Scraps holds onto your leg and rubs up and down?

Capt. Oveur: Jimmy, do you ever wonder why dogs sniff each other in the...?

Dr. Stone: Thought you might like a paper.

Striker: Thanks...

[opens paper, reads headline]

Striker: My God!

Dr. Stone: What's wrong?

Striker: They're launching the XR-2300! Do you know what that is, Doctor?

Dr. Stone: The muffler bracket for a '79 Pinto?

Striker: No, that's the XR-2200. The 2300's the Lunar Shuttle.

Elaine Dickinson: [On P.A] Ladies and gentlemen, please calm down. Please listen to me! I want to tell you what's going on with the ship! Thank you. We've been thrown off course just a tad.

Tad Woman: Miss? What exactly is "a tad?"

Elaine Dickinson: In space terms, that's about half a million miles. The bumps you feel are asteroids smashing into the hull of the ship. Also we're flying without a navigational system and can't seem to change course.

Dr. Stone: Miss, are you telling us absolutely everything?

Elaine Dickinson: Not exactly. We're also out of coffee.

[the passengers, who stayed calm for the other disastrous announcement, become hysterical]

Striker: Ok Murdock, I think I got something that just might work.

Murdock: what?

Striker: A bobby pin.

Murdock: Bobby pin. What the hell's, a man doing with a bobby pin. Lights on

Murdock: [Turns lights on]

Murdock: All right Striker, if a bobby pin is what you got, you will have to do. Just shove it in there, you'll have to short that thing out.

Striker: [Shoves the bobby pin, into the broken lever compartment, and sparks]

Soldier: Those lights are blinking out of sequence.

Murdock: Make them blink in sequence.

Striker: We're not in the past anymore, Elaine. This... is the FUTURE.

[Ted climbs over the wall guarding the mental hospital, removes his gown revealing regular clothes and throws the gown out of harm's way. The gown comes back and covers Ted's head. Ted drops the gown beside him and starts to run while trying to avoid being spotted by a searchlight. Ted pauses when he encounters a lounge singer in a spotlight. The singer wears a tuxedo with his bow tie untied and he holds a microphone. It's Jack Jones]

Lounge Singer: [sings] ... floats back to you... Ooo, The Love Boat... soon will be making another run. The Love Boat...

[Ted continues to run]

Bud Kruger: [as he and the commissioner get out of their car and enter the terminal building] Commissioner, now we both know that shuttle needs another month of pre-launch testing.

The Commissioner: Forget it.

Bud Kruger: Commissioner.

The Commissioner: I said forget about it. The Mayflower is the first Lunar Shuttle to fly from a commercial terminal, and the boys on the board want that flight to go on schedule.

Bud Kruger: Well the boys on the board know about safety...

The Commissioner: Bud, get wise to the political reality. The boys on the board are under a heavy pressure from the boys downtown.

[the elevator arrives, and the doors open. Several people exit, all of them covering their ears because the elevator music is very, *very* loud. Everyone files into the elevator and puts their hands over their ears to protect them from the music, except for Bud and the Commissioner. The doors close, silencing the music]

The Commissioner: [At the fourth floor, everyone files out, and the loud elevator music is playing a rendition of "Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head."]

The Commissioner: [the first part of what he says is drowned out by the loud music] The boys on the board are under pressure from the boys downtown.

Bud Kruger: And I'll be the one to crucify if that shuttle screws up.

Steve McCroskey: Get me radio contact with that ship, pronto!

Controller #1: Yes, sir!

Controller #3: [walks over carrying some papers. He is carrying them with an oven mitt] Here's all the available information on the sun, sir. That thing is *hot*.

[McCroskey touches the hot papers and burns his hand]

Steve McCroskey: Get me Bud Kruger immediately and some ice!

Controller #3: Yes, sir.

Steve McCroskey: Jacobs.

[Jacobs hops over]

Steve McCroskey: I want to know absolutely everything that's happened up 'til now.

Controller Jacobs: Well, let's see: First, the Earth cooled. And then the dinosaurs came, but they got too big and fat, so they all died and they turned into oil. And then the Arabs came and they bought Mercedes-Benzes. And Prince Charles started wearing all of Lady Di's clothes. I couldn't believe it.

[Jacobs turns and starts to walk away, continuing to speak, trailing off as he gets further from the camera]

Controller Jacobs: He took her best summer dress out of the closet and he put it on and went to town...

Steve McCroskey: [walks over to a wall and stands next to a portrait that depicts him standing next to a portrait that depicts him] Things sure haven't changed.

[an Asian tourist woman from Japan hangs a roll of film onto her husband who is loaded down with multiple carry-on bags and camera bags]

Asian Lady: Nogozo.

Asian Man: Nomor!

[the Asian man falls over from all the weight of the carry-ons]

Murdock: I want a six-foot trench dug around the entire base. Fill it with gasoline.

Heart Charity Worker: [TV EDIT: an oil magnate from Texas, entering the airport, passes by a large sign reading "Support Your Local Heart Charity". The worker speaks up] Excuse me, sir - Would you care to make a donation for the research and prevention of heart disease?

Texan: Sure, why not?

[He hands the worker some cash]

Texan: Here you go; nice day, now.

[as the oil baron moves along, the worker stares at the money he's been given]

Heart Charity Worker: My God, this is a $1000 b... bi...!

[he suffers a heart attack and collapses]

Elaine Dickinson: Oh, Simon, you shouldn't have. I guess, I'm a very lucky woman, aren't I?

Simon: Well, women and the space program have come a long way, sweetheart. But after the wedding, no more complicated computers for my little girl.

Elaine Dickinson: But, darling, they've offered me a chance to head up the computer analysis division for the Jupiter probe.

Simon: You're heading up the division in charge of babies for Mr. and Mrs. Simon Kurtz. That's an order, Lieutenant.

Dunn: Uh, sir, that overheat is getting worse. I'd better get back into the core and check it out.

Capt. Oveur: Thanks, but I'd rather you check it out, Dunn.

Dunn: Uh, right.

Elaine Dickinson: Things started to come apart. He was obsessed with that shuttle. He started to talk about it all the time, even at night in bed - and I guess that's when the real problems started.

The Judge: Please elaborate.

Elaine Dickinson: Well, at first, sex between us was a wonderful experience - the way he touched me. He was so gentle. He'd unbutton my blouse - and then - and then... We drifted apart. I'm sorry. I can't go on.

Elaine Dickinson: Captain, I don't think we have any alternatives.

Capt. Oveur: I see. What do you think our alternatives are?

Elaine Dickinson: We have to disconnect ROC's higher brain function without disturbing he's regulatory system.

Capt. Oveur: That computer has a self-defense mechanism, Elaine. Dunn and Unger tried to disconnect it, you heard what happened to them.

Elaine Dickinson: I know. Sucked out.

Simon: What am I gonna do? My career will be ruined.

Elaine Dickinson: Your career? What about the careers of the people on this ship? The lawyers, the architects, the dental hygienists?

Nurse: Excuse me, ma'am. There's some pretty badly banged up people back there. I'm gonna need some fresh sheets, gauze, Q-Tips, and all the vasoline you have on board.

Elaine Dickinson: Ted, please.

Nurse: Right now!

Injured Man: Are you the nurse?

Nurse: Yes, take this. The washroom's just right down there, on the right.

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Source: https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0083530/quotes/qt0998059

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